Motherhood has been surprising...

I feared becoming a mother. I feared losing myself. More selfishly, I feared losing my life and free time. I feared I wouldn't really want to spend that much time with 'they baby' once it arrived.

When I was in labor I pushed for two hours. While that isn't long, I'm told, for first labors I think my psychological self got in the way and prolonged the process. All the great proponents of natural birth--Ina May Gaskin, Sheila Kitzinger, Pam England--to name a few talk about women entering "labor land" a state where a woman although fully conscious enters a place very distant from that which is going on in her midst. Perhaps a higher sense of awareness? I was there and I still can't really describe it. I knew there were people milling around my bedroom. I knew fuser and my dear friend were on either side of me holding my hands, I knew my legs were wide open praying the next contraction would be the last, my eyes were clenched tightly shut....and yet I was faraway, talking myself through the process, yet not fully willing to surrender to it. I was fully aware that the second the baby entered the room, life as I knew it would change, my marriage would change, my friendships would change, I would change. I was thinking to myself, "I'm not sure I want to do this. But there are no take backs...so I have to push. But I don't want to, but I have to...." and thus my labor dragged on...

Then Max came. I felt his head with my fingers as it crowned. I pushed him out. All 8lbs 4oz of him. I didn't cry. I was relieved. I had a slippery baby on my stomach. My hands felt grace personified as I stroked his body all over. I couldn't stop kissing his head. He cried for maybe ten minutes. I felt his tiny naked body on mine. I didn't even know he was a boy until Fuser asked and our midwife turned him over so he could see for himself.

These past five months have been very sweet. All of my fears have been allayed and overshadowed by an indescribable (and very surprising) joy. I am living in the midst of utter fulfillment and contentment which I continue to find shocking.