I had my first appointment with a Dr. Today. Fuser and I are planning on having a home birth. For insurance purposes and financial reasons we had our first appointment with an OB/GYN instead of the CNM who will be present at the actual birth.

Dr. Tam's office resides in the shadows of Huntington Hospital. His office is typical. Stale. Last updated in 1976. Fluorescent lighting. Cluttered exam rooms. The staff and Dr. are nice people but this is a very different environment that is far from my holistic, comfy, cozy, sunlight filled preference. On the contrary, the nurse midwives I met with had very homey offices. Warmly decorated, comfy couches, and lots of sunlight. They offer water, tea, juice and conversation. The Dr.'s office offers a tightly packed agenda to get all those in the waiting room through the motions of their monthly visit quickly. Blood pressure, urine sample, check weight, out the door etc...I think to myself as I'm in the midst of this process that this is not the entity I want to help in the birth of my baby.

I kept nervously thinking that the nurse or Dr. Would come back to me at any minute and tell me that I really wasn't pregnant. That I'd somehow dreamt it all up and my body had just played along. I seriously started thinking how I was going to explain my last month of actions to my husband in light of the fact that I wasn't pregnant. The examination began. I was poked and palpated on the stomach. Dr. Tam stuck a few probes up my vagina. (No woman likes to have plastic probes stuck up there. Vaginas, in my opinion should be reserved for penises and birthing babies. ) My cervix is hard, good sign according to the Dr. The probes come out.

One last probe is picked up and smothered in a gelatinous goo, only it's not a probe it's the ultrasound device which goes, once again, up the precious vagina. (This is NOT how it is done on T.V.). But then I see the image that so many have seen before. Women who have proudly taken home their picture displaying the kidney bean looking blob and paraded it around to friends and family in excited mania. But this is my blob that is living and moving in my stomach. I am entranced by the T.V. screen and later by the photograph that I get to take home. Fuser comes home for lunch just to view his baby-to-be. We are in awe. This is actually happening.