I have held this pregnancy very loosely in my hands since finding out. I've been protecting myself and the fear I have of losing the baby. As I walk through the woods throughout the weeks my prayers and mediations to God have been something along the lines of--you know the outcome of this little life, you know what it is Fuser and I need, thy will be done.

I don't think that's a very courageous way to pray. In protecting my own potential loss I'm not fighting for the most vulnerable party involved. A friend offered to host a baby shower. My internal monologue said--are you crazy I'm only 8 weeks along...anything could happen.--

Nothing has felt very certain in all this. While one could argue that nothing in life is for certain at least you can advocate for life.

Since seeing the tiny strawberry sized blob on the ultrasound I've changed ever so slightly. There is no denying the fact that I actually am going to have a baby sometime in May. I've seen the little blob with my eyes now.

I find myself pleading with the creator now saying--God, please let this one make it...