I have known Yano since he was 2. As far back as he can remember, I've always been in his life. This is a great advantage over other step parent situations when they come into a child's life after they are a bit older.

I keep waiting for step parenting to become easier. It wasn't until I had Max that I realized how little I loved Yano. I've had a hard time this past year coming to grips with this notion and attempting to deal with it effectively.

It is quite easy to get wrapped up in the drama between my husband and his ex and most times Yano is the recipient of my frustration. The poor kid.

I received an email from my dad a few weeks ago which said "Be sure to love on Yano. It won't take much before he realizes he is second place to Max, and the step-mother syndrome ensues." I don't know what prompted my dad all of the sudden to respond to me in such a way, but it was needed. I wrote him and asked him to continue to pray because I didn't know how to make myself love Yano when it came so easily for me to love Max. His final response? "Remember, love is an action not a feeling."

I've heard that wonderful cliche before many times. It registered with me for the first time, really registered after I'd gotten ticked off at Fuser for something I can't even remember now. I started thinking horrible things and finally caught myself some time later thinking--true intimate, marital love is loving Fuser when I'd rather not. More importantly, it's following it through with actions of love when quite frankly I'd rather run away for a few hours, convince myself of my innocence and return only to sulk and be pissy until he initiates reconciliation and apologizes first . Some might argue this as being natural to the human condition, but that doesn't necessarily okay it. Rather, it just causes more division and cracks in the foundation of an alleged marriage. I've been very aware of this recently and now it correlates to my relationship with Yano, only I don't have the solid base of love I do with Fuser.

This whole time (six years!) I've been waiting for the same loving feelings to magically arise that I might then follow through with the loving actions of a mother. It's not going to happen that way.

There is such a unique dynamic to intentional step parenting that I don't even think Fuser would necessarily understand. I think Yano and I are both trying to determine who we are to each other and how to live within the confines of those roles.

I am making adjustments. The kid needs to be loved more than anything, especially where he is at in life right now. Step kids truly get emotionally and familially screwed if the adults involved aren't tuned in and sensitive to the inner workings of their relationships within the family structure.