16 weeks, 2 days pregnant; one pound heavier

I'm sitting in front of my klassy duraflame fire. Half of the house is asleep. It is peaceful in this moment. I'm taking a break from my current pregnancy read of the moment, Giving Birth; a Journey into the World of Mothers and Midwives, by Catherine Taylor.

I don't know if pregnancy or growing older has made me crave more intentional family time in recent months. It is too easy to get caught in the run of the mill business that overtakes so many and neglect that which is most important. I have had the simple desire--perhaps need, to establish more of a family bond lately. While the three of us, Fuser, Yano and myself are often all home together in the same space, we are usually preoccupied with our own doings. I am suddenly understanding all the long sunday drives my parents used to drag us on when I was growing up. We didn't have much money, so a 2 hour trip across the border to Wisonsin to purchase frozen custard, was my mom and dad's method of having us all together for a few hours a week. I can't help but feel lame at times when I find myself repeating certain events, outings and actions, but I revel in the time and experience that comes out of it.

Trying to be a step-mother to Yano and figure out my place continues to be one of my most difficult tasks in life. I so desperately want to win him over yet I wake up most mornings already donning my evil step-mother wart. Yano is only 7 and I've been in his life as long as he can remember. This offers some advantage. I can't imagine walking into an older kid's life and living in his or her space and expect us to create some idyllic Brady Bunch dynamic. But then, the Brady kids weren't involved with there respective biological parents who'd left them. Yano has a mother. I can't fill that roll. I have a hard time when he reminds me that I'm not his mother. So, what am I?

One of my greatest fears about this baby to be is that I will treat him or her differently. I hate that. I so desperatly want to believe that there will be no difference between this little one and Yano, but I think that's wrong thinking--only setting myself up for disaster. When Fuser and I married I wrote Yano into my vows. I promised that he would be my own that there would be no difference between him and those that followed. I can't see that playing out into reality now that the time has come. I'm left feeling immense guilt. I feel guilty that I can't wait to meet this little being growing in my womb, to call it mine, to have it call me mom. To bond and be exclusive with my very own son or daughter. How will that play out to Yano though?