I have known Yano since he was 2. As far back as he can remember, I've always been in his life. This is a great advantage over other step parent situations when they come into a child's life after they are a bit older.

I keep waiting for step parenting to become easier. It wasn't until I had Max that I realized how little I loved Yano. I've had a hard time this past year coming to grips with this notion and attempting to deal with it effectively.

It is quite easy to get wrapped up in the drama between my husband and his ex and most times Yano is the recipient of my frustration. The poor kid.

I received an email from my dad a few weeks ago which said "Be sure to love on Yano. It won't take much before he realizes he is second place to Max, and the step-mother syndrome ensues." I don't know what prompted my dad all of the sudden to respond to me in such a way, but it was needed. I wrote him and asked him to continue to pray because I didn't know how to make myself love Yano when it came so easily for me to love Max. His final response? "Remember, love is an action not a feeling."

I've heard that wonderful cliche before many times. It registered with me for the first time, really registered after I'd gotten ticked off at Fuser for something I can't even remember now. I started thinking horrible things and finally caught myself some time later thinking--true intimate, marital love is loving Fuser when I'd rather not. More importantly, it's following it through with actions of love when quite frankly I'd rather run away for a few hours, convince myself of my innocence and return only to sulk and be pissy until he initiates reconciliation and apologizes first . Some might argue this as being natural to the human condition, but that doesn't necessarily okay it. Rather, it just causes more division and cracks in the foundation of an alleged marriage. I've been very aware of this recently and now it correlates to my relationship with Yano, only I don't have the solid base of love I do with Fuser.

This whole time (six years!) I've been waiting for the same loving feelings to magically arise that I might then follow through with the loving actions of a mother. It's not going to happen that way.

There is such a unique dynamic to intentional step parenting that I don't even think Fuser would necessarily understand. I think Yano and I are both trying to determine who we are to each other and how to live within the confines of those roles.

I am making adjustments. The kid needs to be loved more than anything, especially where he is at in life right now. Step kids truly get emotionally and familially screwed if the adults involved aren't tuned in and sensitive to the inner workings of their relationships within the family structure.

BumGenius Review...1 year later

We purchased 18 Bum Genius Diapers when Max was one month old. We've used them alternately with G Diapers and disposables since. At first I LOVED these diapers and raved about them to everyone. Now, I'm having second thoughts. The diapers are made by Cotton Babies which I believe on a whole to be a good company. The elastic surrounding the legs of our diapers began to lose elasticity after only 4 months. Keep in mind that we were not using these diapers exclusively as we also practice EC with Max. I say the company is good because they replaced all of our diapers (Though the whole process took at least a month.) which technically they did not need to do. Thank you Cotton Babies.

Now that it's been a year, the diapers have been replaced once, and once again they are falling apart. I still like them, but wouldn't recommend them to someone intending on using them with more than one child. I think in the future we'll stick to the inexpensive pre-folds and diaper covers...or better yet, go diaper free completely.

On Herbs, Pharmaceuticals, and Chris Rock

Fuser and I YouTubed Chris Rock last night and watched some of his stand up. We don't have T.V. so the computer is a nice alternative for the occasional veg session.

Chris Rock does a stick on drugs and in his humerus way says that drugs are illegal because the government wants us to buy their drugs, not the street drugs. Try watching T.V., he says, without being bombarded with all kind of drugs as they list symptoms until they finally hit on one you have. "Do you go to sleep at night...and wake up in the morning?" etc... If the government wasn't in bed with companies such as Merck we'd have Weedbucks instead of Starbucks.

So the other day I was hiking in the mountains behind our house. This time of year there is something growing that smells remarkably like curry. I have seen a curry plant and it is not that, it is something else I haven't discovered yet. I was awed by all the natural remedies surrounding me. I'm in my third quarter of herbology at school and I'm constantly intrigued by the medicinal properties of plants I have growing in my own yard. Have problems with arthritis? The root of clematis is used for that. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Star Jasmine stems can be used to help remedy the pain. Internal bleeding? Artemesia.

I was overwhelmed on my hike at how we've neglected the natural remedies that the almighty creator put on this earth. This is not to say that herbs are innocent and non toxic, quite the contrary, they need to be respected and used properly. But why use something expensive and synthetic when there is a cheaper, natural alternative?

babies........

I live in tension. I want to finish school n-o-w, I want to have another baby. If I were not in school now I'd have another baby. This is where the coopertive community model of living would come in handy. I don't believe in day care. I wish I had full support (ie help) in making this a reality. Sometimes I wonder if there is a very real solution and I'm simply missing it--I don't know. I don't like the idea of planning babies ("in 3 years we'll try to have another one...") I prefer the idea of fate and a baby choosing now to be the moment to come into the world. Perhaps that is just a bit too pie in the sky thinking for some, but I like it.

MAX TURNS 1!

I've said it before and I'll say it again--Nothing makes the passage of time more obvious than watching a baby grow during its first year of life. Max turned one on earth day. Fuser and I are really trying to figure out how be celebratory in life, especially with our children and special occasions. We didn't think presents were necessary and instead opted to buy a tree in honor of Max's first. Fuser took Max to the nursery on Saturday, the day before his birthday, to pick out a tree. They decided on a red seedless grapevine as grapes seem to be Max's favorite food of choice right now.

We had thought that we might get up early Sunday morning and plant Max's tree and also bury his placenta which has been in our freezer for the past year, and quite frankly I was ready to get it out. Here's the conundrum: we don't own our home, our landlord just passed away, and we don't really feel "settled" here in this house. We didn't want to plant a tree or the placenta here knowing it wasn't really any place special to us. However, after imagining what we might look like, traipsing out into the woods, pick ax, frozen human organ, and baby in tow, we opted to plant it in our backyard, plant the vine in a pot, and sprinkle wild flowers where the placenta was buried. Not an ideal plan but fine in light of our circumstances.

Max was cranky most of his birthday. Fuser's dad and brothers came over, I made tostadas and a Tres Leches birthday cake which even impressed me.

We did end up buying one book for Max as I think that might also be a nice tradition to begin. The choice? Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.

Cheers.