I need to log close to 1000 hours working in my school clinic in order to graduate. Because my current rate of 4 hours a week will take me into the next decade I've been trying to come up with ways to speed the process of up a bit. Fuser's sister had two weeks off and is babysitting for Max while I put in some time here at school. I truly enjoy being here at school, immersed in my education and learning so much more now that I can have the hands on approach. It has also been easy in the sense I know that there is an end to this routine--next week. What I cannot imagine and what I am grateful for 100fold is that this is not my life out of necessity. That is to say, I don't need to work full time or even part time in order for our family to survive. To that end I am so thankful for Fuser's job and income. We do make sacrifices to live on less but the benefits are innumerable. I get home these days around 6:30 only to put Max to bed around 7:30. One hour of parenting?! What kind of life is that for a little one who only wants to be in the presence of their parents?

This morning, Fuser and I were getting ready for the day. Usually in the morning, I'm laid back and have "all the time in the world." I'm not on a tight schedule. These days I am. Max was really fussy and clingy and started crying as I was just trying to get dressed and out the door. This isn't his personality. So I pick him and and nurse him in the rocker and spend a little more time before heading out for the day. His tia who is watching him right now isn't exactly a stranger, she lives with us and Max loves her. But when it comes down to it, no one is a replacement for mom and dad. Not the babysitter, the day care, or the nanny.

I know there are single parents out there with no choice but to work. I commend you.

But in this moment, on this day, I am glad I have the privilege of being home to raise my kids.

One of the more subtle conflicts affecting couples who have known the thrill of conscious conception and ecstatic childbirth is the desire for the no-barriers sexual intensity that accompanies these events, versus the desire to delay or forgo having more children. This conflict is usually unspoken, but after some time has passed and the family has stabilized, this psycho-erotic desire for conception can rise up and wreak havoc with future plans, as well as compliance with birth control.

~elizabeth davis, midwife

Yep. That about sums it up for Fuser and I. A friend recently asked what our method of birth control was, I replied, "stocking up on 99 cent pregnancy tests and breathing a sigh of relief each month when I'm not pregnant." She looked at me as if I must be joking, then she realized who she was talking to and burst out laughing. She said, "are you guys trying???" and I replied, "no, but it would sure make everything easier if I was pregnant so I wouldn't neurotically wonder if I was every month.

Ahh, the twisted mind of the spontaneous non-planners.

When my dear friend Cupcake was in town a month ago I frantically sent her to Rite Aid to buy a pregnancy test for me early Saturday morning. When she returned she said, "you know, the condoms were right next to this pregnancy test for the same price, I thought about getting you a box.."

And yet, Fuser and I still can't seem to do anything responsible about this.

"The psycho erotic desire." I couldn't have described it more poetically if I tried.