What better way to ring in our nation's independence then by officially going into debt? Oh yes, I've never felt more American than I did last night as Fuser and I perused the appliance section at Sears.

We are in need of a fridge. When we first got married the already antiquated fridge came with our apartment. The apartment was bought by another person part way into our lease so when we moved we took the fridge, needing one in the house we were moving to. The thing leaks and smells and is likely on Southern California Edison's most wanted list.

I am a staunch endorser of craigslist as a way to minimize waste etc....in fact, we've never bought a new appliance. Our stove, washer, and dryer have all come from craigslist.

I am also highly against buying something we cannot afford--my two exceptions: houses and cars (sometimes). But we needed a fridge and we haven't been in the strongest financial situation since I've returned to school and Fuser has begun paying child support so we couldn't go the craigslist route.

Enter the Sears FOURTH OF JULY SALE!!!! 12 months of free financing on any major appliance plus 20% off. So we did it. I'm not proud, but I feel strangely more American for doing so. Guess that shows the state of our country. We made a modest choice. ( Actually, I think it was the cheapest energy start model they had). Out the door for $565 including delivery. Once we get all the rebates we'll save another 140$...not a bad deal.

God bless America and the credit card companies.

I need to log close to 1000 hours working in my school clinic in order to graduate. Because my current rate of 4 hours a week will take me into the next decade I've been trying to come up with ways to speed the process of up a bit. Fuser's sister had two weeks off and is babysitting for Max while I put in some time here at school. I truly enjoy being here at school, immersed in my education and learning so much more now that I can have the hands on approach. It has also been easy in the sense I know that there is an end to this routine--next week. What I cannot imagine and what I am grateful for 100fold is that this is not my life out of necessity. That is to say, I don't need to work full time or even part time in order for our family to survive. To that end I am so thankful for Fuser's job and income. We do make sacrifices to live on less but the benefits are innumerable. I get home these days around 6:30 only to put Max to bed around 7:30. One hour of parenting?! What kind of life is that for a little one who only wants to be in the presence of their parents?

This morning, Fuser and I were getting ready for the day. Usually in the morning, I'm laid back and have "all the time in the world." I'm not on a tight schedule. These days I am. Max was really fussy and clingy and started crying as I was just trying to get dressed and out the door. This isn't his personality. So I pick him and and nurse him in the rocker and spend a little more time before heading out for the day. His tia who is watching him right now isn't exactly a stranger, she lives with us and Max loves her. But when it comes down to it, no one is a replacement for mom and dad. Not the babysitter, the day care, or the nanny.

I know there are single parents out there with no choice but to work. I commend you.

But in this moment, on this day, I am glad I have the privilege of being home to raise my kids.

One of the more subtle conflicts affecting couples who have known the thrill of conscious conception and ecstatic childbirth is the desire for the no-barriers sexual intensity that accompanies these events, versus the desire to delay or forgo having more children. This conflict is usually unspoken, but after some time has passed and the family has stabilized, this psycho-erotic desire for conception can rise up and wreak havoc with future plans, as well as compliance with birth control.

~elizabeth davis, midwife

Yep. That about sums it up for Fuser and I. A friend recently asked what our method of birth control was, I replied, "stocking up on 99 cent pregnancy tests and breathing a sigh of relief each month when I'm not pregnant." She looked at me as if I must be joking, then she realized who she was talking to and burst out laughing. She said, "are you guys trying???" and I replied, "no, but it would sure make everything easier if I was pregnant so I wouldn't neurotically wonder if I was every month.

Ahh, the twisted mind of the spontaneous non-planners.

When my dear friend Cupcake was in town a month ago I frantically sent her to Rite Aid to buy a pregnancy test for me early Saturday morning. When she returned she said, "you know, the condoms were right next to this pregnancy test for the same price, I thought about getting you a box.."

And yet, Fuser and I still can't seem to do anything responsible about this.

"The psycho erotic desire." I couldn't have described it more poetically if I tried.

I have known Yano since he was 2. As far back as he can remember, I've always been in his life. This is a great advantage over other step parent situations when they come into a child's life after they are a bit older.

I keep waiting for step parenting to become easier. It wasn't until I had Max that I realized how little I loved Yano. I've had a hard time this past year coming to grips with this notion and attempting to deal with it effectively.

It is quite easy to get wrapped up in the drama between my husband and his ex and most times Yano is the recipient of my frustration. The poor kid.

I received an email from my dad a few weeks ago which said "Be sure to love on Yano. It won't take much before he realizes he is second place to Max, and the step-mother syndrome ensues." I don't know what prompted my dad all of the sudden to respond to me in such a way, but it was needed. I wrote him and asked him to continue to pray because I didn't know how to make myself love Yano when it came so easily for me to love Max. His final response? "Remember, love is an action not a feeling."

I've heard that wonderful cliche before many times. It registered with me for the first time, really registered after I'd gotten ticked off at Fuser for something I can't even remember now. I started thinking horrible things and finally caught myself some time later thinking--true intimate, marital love is loving Fuser when I'd rather not. More importantly, it's following it through with actions of love when quite frankly I'd rather run away for a few hours, convince myself of my innocence and return only to sulk and be pissy until he initiates reconciliation and apologizes first . Some might argue this as being natural to the human condition, but that doesn't necessarily okay it. Rather, it just causes more division and cracks in the foundation of an alleged marriage. I've been very aware of this recently and now it correlates to my relationship with Yano, only I don't have the solid base of love I do with Fuser.

This whole time (six years!) I've been waiting for the same loving feelings to magically arise that I might then follow through with the loving actions of a mother. It's not going to happen that way.

There is such a unique dynamic to intentional step parenting that I don't even think Fuser would necessarily understand. I think Yano and I are both trying to determine who we are to each other and how to live within the confines of those roles.

I am making adjustments. The kid needs to be loved more than anything, especially where he is at in life right now. Step kids truly get emotionally and familially screwed if the adults involved aren't tuned in and sensitive to the inner workings of their relationships within the family structure.

BumGenius Review...1 year later

We purchased 18 Bum Genius Diapers when Max was one month old. We've used them alternately with G Diapers and disposables since. At first I LOVED these diapers and raved about them to everyone. Now, I'm having second thoughts. The diapers are made by Cotton Babies which I believe on a whole to be a good company. The elastic surrounding the legs of our diapers began to lose elasticity after only 4 months. Keep in mind that we were not using these diapers exclusively as we also practice EC with Max. I say the company is good because they replaced all of our diapers (Though the whole process took at least a month.) which technically they did not need to do. Thank you Cotton Babies.

Now that it's been a year, the diapers have been replaced once, and once again they are falling apart. I still like them, but wouldn't recommend them to someone intending on using them with more than one child. I think in the future we'll stick to the inexpensive pre-folds and diaper covers...or better yet, go diaper free completely.

On Herbs, Pharmaceuticals, and Chris Rock

Fuser and I YouTubed Chris Rock last night and watched some of his stand up. We don't have T.V. so the computer is a nice alternative for the occasional veg session.

Chris Rock does a stick on drugs and in his humerus way says that drugs are illegal because the government wants us to buy their drugs, not the street drugs. Try watching T.V., he says, without being bombarded with all kind of drugs as they list symptoms until they finally hit on one you have. "Do you go to sleep at night...and wake up in the morning?" etc... If the government wasn't in bed with companies such as Merck we'd have Weedbucks instead of Starbucks.

So the other day I was hiking in the mountains behind our house. This time of year there is something growing that smells remarkably like curry. I have seen a curry plant and it is not that, it is something else I haven't discovered yet. I was awed by all the natural remedies surrounding me. I'm in my third quarter of herbology at school and I'm constantly intrigued by the medicinal properties of plants I have growing in my own yard. Have problems with arthritis? The root of clematis is used for that. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Star Jasmine stems can be used to help remedy the pain. Internal bleeding? Artemesia.

I was overwhelmed on my hike at how we've neglected the natural remedies that the almighty creator put on this earth. This is not to say that herbs are innocent and non toxic, quite the contrary, they need to be respected and used properly. But why use something expensive and synthetic when there is a cheaper, natural alternative?

babies........

I live in tension. I want to finish school n-o-w, I want to have another baby. If I were not in school now I'd have another baby. This is where the coopertive community model of living would come in handy. I don't believe in day care. I wish I had full support (ie help) in making this a reality. Sometimes I wonder if there is a very real solution and I'm simply missing it--I don't know. I don't like the idea of planning babies ("in 3 years we'll try to have another one...") I prefer the idea of fate and a baby choosing now to be the moment to come into the world. Perhaps that is just a bit too pie in the sky thinking for some, but I like it.

MAX TURNS 1!

I've said it before and I'll say it again--Nothing makes the passage of time more obvious than watching a baby grow during its first year of life. Max turned one on earth day. Fuser and I are really trying to figure out how be celebratory in life, especially with our children and special occasions. We didn't think presents were necessary and instead opted to buy a tree in honor of Max's first. Fuser took Max to the nursery on Saturday, the day before his birthday, to pick out a tree. They decided on a red seedless grapevine as grapes seem to be Max's favorite food of choice right now.

We had thought that we might get up early Sunday morning and plant Max's tree and also bury his placenta which has been in our freezer for the past year, and quite frankly I was ready to get it out. Here's the conundrum: we don't own our home, our landlord just passed away, and we don't really feel "settled" here in this house. We didn't want to plant a tree or the placenta here knowing it wasn't really any place special to us. However, after imagining what we might look like, traipsing out into the woods, pick ax, frozen human organ, and baby in tow, we opted to plant it in our backyard, plant the vine in a pot, and sprinkle wild flowers where the placenta was buried. Not an ideal plan but fine in light of our circumstances.

Max was cranky most of his birthday. Fuser's dad and brothers came over, I made tostadas and a Tres Leches birthday cake which even impressed me.

We did end up buying one book for Max as I think that might also be a nice tradition to begin. The choice? Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.

Cheers.

I agree with the fact that many single moms get screwed by dead beat dads and never receive child support from fathers who have little or nothing to do with their developing sperm. I suppose that is why the Child Support Agency (AKA the MOST unorganized government organization in America) was established. For the dad's who are actually present and as involved (if not more) than the mother, they get screwed.

Fuser got screwed yesterday.

Damn the man.

Its enough to may one want to pack up and wash your hands of the whole issue.

This is one place the feminists can't bitch.

Allow me to step up on my birthing soap box once again. But first, welcome to the world E.C.! My new neice to arrived this afternoon and also inspired this post.

My dear sister tripped on the last two stairs last night falling on her stomach. She recovered in a minute and went about getting ready for bed. In the morning she felt a little nausea and thought that perhaps the fall had spurred the onset of labor. (officially, she was due next week). Feeling the baby move a little less than usual she called the doctor who brought her in for a routine stress test. In the course of an hour a cesarian birth was ordered and completed as a clot was found to have formed between the placenta and E.C.

I just spoke with my sister, midnight her time, who said they were in the process of moving E.C. to another hospital with a NICU unit. My sister seemed to think that everything was fine and this was just cautinary on the part of the hospital. The downside, she has not yet seen E.C.

It was this information that left me sitting weepy on the couch unable to fathom being separated so abruptly from the very being I carried for so many months.

It is in this moment I'd like to say to the hospitals:

GIVE THE DAMN BABY TO MAMA

There is a place for hospitals but they rarely derserve a place in the birthing realm. They have instilled a culture of fear into women. They have set themselves up to 'rescue' the baby from its dangerous mother carrier. ick. I get so disgusted.