I just finished this book last week. I highly recommend reading it.

On the subject of food, I made my own baguettes this week. While I've made them before and enjoyed the result I have found them to be labor intensive and came to the conclusion that I'd rather pay $2.50 at a quality bakery for one fresh out of the oven. Perhaps if I own a kitchenaid mixer with dough hooks someday I'll start making it by hand again.

Anyway, I have fallen in love with my bread machine. That is another post altogether. I decided to try making the dough in the machine and then rolling the baguettes myself. They came out great!
They look a bit funny on top because I don't have a scoring knife and used a regular one only I was afraid to cut too deeply. (Peter Reinhart drilled that into me while reading his book The Bread Baker's Apprentice, another fabulous cookbook.)

We ate them fresh out of the oven with a Cauliflower Cheddar soup and topped them with raw, fresh, local honey we picked up today at the farmer's market.
Food (and I use the term loosely) is getting creepier by the moment. I came across this product at the store a couple weeks ago:

That's right, pancake batter in a whip cream can (because it's way too hard to put flour water and sugar in a mixing bowl). It's even organic for the health conscious! If you are so inclined you can check out the demo video here.

Pollan warns in his book that it is only a matter of time before coke releases a vitamin fortified soda.

My girlfriend and I were talking about this the other day and realizing that it likely won't be long before we have organic high fructose corn syrup and crisco.

Here's another stellar product featured on the Daily Show not too long ago:

Bacon Flavored mayo anyone?

I came home from running early yesterday morning to find Yeva hanging out with David in the garage where he was using the trainer. Apparently he couldn't find a hat for her....
We made a trip to Dick Blick yesterday and bought a few art supplies. We are going to attempt to turn the garage into a large creative space for everyone...one of these days.

Ale and I decided to paint rocks in the afternoon.
Two of the chicks joined us outside. They kept running into my lap.
Yeva was there too.

Thursday entailed a visit to Travel Town with our good friends which included 10 boys and Yeva. We spent the morning climbing on old trains and playing on tracks.
A very cool, free place to visit in L.A.

This is Miles, Ale's best buddy, who is only a few days older. They love and fight like brothers...

A Monumental Day with Chicks and Mozzarella

So I've been wanting to try my hand at making mozzarella for a while. My sister got me a gift certificate which I used to purchase a mozzarella making kit. I made it this afternoon. It was incredibly easy taking less than 30 minutes to make.

We bought a fresh baguette from Panera and had a delicious dinner of bread, cheese, bruschetta and wine.

I've wanted chickens for five years. I even purchased a video four years ago about raising chickens in L.A. It was as low budget and informational as any video could be. However, I never bought chickens unsure of what to do with them or how much work they'd be.

So yesterday I start talking about wanting chickens again (actually, this is a frequent conversation in our home). David gets really excited all of the sudden and hell bent on going to look at some. Because of the season all the babies have just hatched within the last few weeks. We went to Steve's Pets a local store here in Altadena. I held a chick and Ale got to pet her. The young kid working said he'd had chickens on and off for years. He made it all sound so simple...David, a little more adventurous and bit more impulsive said, "Let's buy some!" They had a sign saying a minimum of 3 chicks had to be purchased. I had only wanted two for the sake of not wanting to kill anything and the fewer I have the fewer I could potentially kill. David grew up with chickens in El Salvador. On our way home he became all sentimental as he remembered his grandmother and her chickens. We stopped at the library to jack some free newspapers for bedding and headed home. David rigged up the heat lamp into a large rubbermaid container and got it all ready. Meanwhile, Ale and I played with the chicks.

Each Chick was $3.99. The 25lb bag of feed was $10.00 and the heat lamp was $12.00. We made it out the door for under $40.00. We could buy high quality organic free range pastured eggs from whole foods for a few weeks with that money but this is about process and teaching the kids where food comes from and how food should be raised and treated.

I am very excited about our new project!

The kiddies looked cute today so I tried to take a picture...Yeva wasn't having it as you can see.


So I tried again with little luck.


Then after a little consoling...


and finally this


After a trip to Ikea to buy plastic kid dishes (something I vowed I'd never do until I realized it was more cost effective than paper plates when I have large groups of kids over) Ale and I made vanilla ice cream:


Because David and I decided to have a date at home tonight and I was going to make apple crisp and home made ice cream just sounded too good to pass up...

Ke'ano learned to ride a bike this past Christmas. David, bike snob that he is, did not approve of Ke'ano's Wal-Mart Mongoose. And, truth be told it was a cheap bike with brakes that did not function right. Last week Ke'ano finally joined the ranks of real mountain bikers and got his first smokin red Specialized. When he was testing it out in the bike shop parking lot he flew forward and off the bike the first time he used the brakes...He wasn't used to a bike that worked!
Learning to ride a bike has done wonders for Ke'ano in terms of confidence and independence. He now rides to school and goes on his own solo rides into the Los Angeles forest by JPL. Sports and athleticism do not come easily to Ke'ano so it has been very refreshing to have him discover something he enjoys and can do on his own. Of course David is thrilled to be able to share his love of mountain biking with him. He is already planning their first descent down Mt. Wilson in the very near future.

The Mama Date

Ale has been great since Yeva's birth. Only recently has he started 'acting up' at times. It could be the age or it could be the fact that he shares the spotlight with his little sister now. While it hasn't been difficult having another little one, Ale and I obviously don't have the time we used to together. I've been feeling that I've been needing to spend a little one on one intentional time with him lately. So we took off this afternoon for what I hope will be the first of many mama dates.

He fell asleep before we got anywhere! Of course he is very selective about his naps these days so the combination of no nap, hot chocolate and a lulling car ride put him right to sleep.

We were just going to go to the park per his request but I though it might be fun to do something a little out of the ordinary just this once. We've been walking up to the stables by our house recently to watch the horses so I thought I'd see if he wanted to try riding a horse. We went to the pony rides at Griffith Park.
He loved it and started to cry when it was over. I think next time I'll put him on the *real* horse ride next to this one.
First time with cotton candy after the pony ride then on to the grocery store and home for dinner.
I love my little boy.........

With my new found interest of Yurt living we drove out to Tree People to check out the yurts they have on the premises.

When we got there we were disappointed to to find "New Yurt City" closed. All we could do was look through the fence. We will have to go back during business hours. The grounds, located in the Santa Monica Mountains, are gorgeous with lots of trails through the woods.

Ke'ano and Yeva

The Drummer Boy

Ale's sound for the next couple weeks is 'muh' or M. I'm trying to get him into this song to help him remember the sound. Who knew the Crash Test Dummies could be so educational...

We woke up this morning and decided to head to Descanso Gardens. I've been thinking about getting a membership there but have only been once. I loved it. We used to have a membership to the Huntington Library which has amazing gardens but decided not to renew because they have horrible hours that are not conducive to small children (12-4pm). It is camellia season and Descanso has thousands of gorgeous trees in bloom right now.




I have never seen lilacs in Southern California...This made me miss Maine in the early summer.



Ale was very excited about the fish pond...


Ale pretending to be a fish...






Yeva was there too!

A nice way to spend the morning before heading home for lunch and naps.

Yeva Turns 3 months

Gardening:

We've started a garden. I'm keeping it simple and small this year. Tomatoes, lettuces and chard. If I can keep that alive perhaps I'll get more bold.



Planting Tomatos: Heirloom Eva Purple Ball and Japanese Black Trifele.



Our Peas that I passed off as beans after reading Jack and the Bean Stalk with Ale...

New Scone Recipe

Once again the desire for fresh scones overcame me the other night and I decided to go in search of a new recipe. I googled vanilla scones and came across this one here: Starbucks Style Mini Vanilla Scones

They were delicious. I highly recommend trying them out.

White Gold. Everyone knows the amazing benefits of breast milk and why breast feeding is superior to formula feeding no matter how the formula corporations try to compete as an equal. I've known since I've had Ale that breast milk is typically a remedy for 'whatever ails you' within reason, of course. Baby has an ear ache? Squirt some breast milk in. Eyes, nose, rashes...you name it.

Last week my friend's 3 children came down with a raging case of pink eye--all the oozing yellow eye goop you can imagine. She called asking if she could possibly have some breast milk to put in the boys' eyes. I had only ever thought that the milk was good for the nursing child--not a cure all for any random person. But I thought it was worth a try. I dropped off some milk that evening and within a couple hours all the swelling and redness and significantly decreased. Ale had his first ever ear ache that afternoon and I thought, 'shoot, if I'm giving this to other kids why not my own?' So I put some in his ear. I'd already put some garlic oil in before he went down for a nap. Between the two he was back to his normal self by bedtime.

The climax came on Sunday. I'd been dealing with a raging sinus head ache for 5 days straight. I've never had a sinus infection or head ache for that matter. I'd tried quite a few different remedies: Steam Shower, Neti Pot, Apple Cider Vinegar, Acupuncture and sinus massage. Nothing worked and the acupuncture made it worse. It occurred to me that perhaps I should try my own breast milk up my nose. I googled it and found a few references to people trying it. David dropped some into my nose with my head tilted back and within an hour my headache completely went away. Spectacular capabilities our human bodies have.

The Double Stroller makes it Debut...

I hate strollers. I had a whole soap box about why they were so lame when I was pregnant with Ale. Take a survey next time you're out and about and see a stroller. 9 times out of 10 the kid is not in the stroller, rather walking or being carried. Ale got older and we began using an umbrella stroller which we still use and like when it's necessary. But oh the double stroller.........I've been avoiding it since Yeva's birth. I folded today and dragged it out of the attic deciding to walk to the park and have lunch on a whim. Usually I sling Yeva and push Ale in the stroller. That gets tiresome hence the double stroller.

We were given a used Sit and Stand from my mother in law who works as a nanny and gets all the hand me downs she wants. Though it feels as though I'm pushing an 18 wheeler it wasn't too bad except for feeling a little too uber suburban mom for my liking.

The park was nice. We met an old Italian man, Aurelio, and his grandson who was Ale's age. Neither one spoke English. I was surprised how much we could communicate just based on the Spanish I know. Made me grateful for investing in language level--even at a second rate intensity. The boys played nicely until Ale needed the bathroom (why does he only need to poop in horrendous public facilities?) It's fun watching children just up and play with each other not even being able to speak to each other.

Now we're home. Here I am. I've only had to get up three times in the course of writing to sing Ale back to sleep (obviously not feeling well) and change Yeva.

I am a scone fiend. I have been making them at least once a week since Yeva was born November 29. I've dangerously realized that I can bake a couple at a time, freeze the rest, and have a fresh scone whenever I desire. This does not bode well for my waist band or lack of self discipline. But they are oh so delicious. My go to recipe of the moment is this one originally recommended by my sister. So easy, so wonderful with a perfect cup of coffee. 2 minutes remain on my kitchen timer until the current batch is done. A recap of my day in the meantime...

Ale (formerly Max but I'm done with pseudonyms) has been learning the letter "b" since last Thursday. This comes after a minor panic on my part where I felt like we weren't doing anything "educational" and since I don't foresee preschool in his near future I needed to pick up the slack. Don't get me wrong--I'm all about play for as long as possible and I have no intentions of having him sit hours or even minutes for that matter and drill facts into his head. I do feel that I can incorporate subtle learning whenever possible. So I picked the letter 'b' at random for no other reason but not wanting to start with 'a.' I'm not teaching the abc's--that seems to arbitrary to the mind of a 2.5 year old. B is referred to as "buh," the sound it makes. This should help in the future when he starts to read. I showed him the letter and we try to think of words that begin with the 'buh' sound. Today we found ourselves reading Jack and the Beanstalk. On a whim we jumped into the car to go by some bean seeds at our local nursery. I was feeling like supermom with this nice well rounded yet fun lesson in mind until I got to the check out and the very knowledgeable woman (this wasn't home depot) said it wasn't a good time to plant beans yet--too cold. She then proceeded to put them away and brought me some radish seeds instead saying they bring kids great pleasure because the grow quickly. I departed the store with my radish seeds (not quite sure what I'm going to do with them...perhaps 'r' will be our next sound..) and a 6-pack of peas hoping I could pass them off as beans to Ale. We haven't planted them yet as we got rid of all our garden equipment in the great purge. We don't even own a trowel. So the planting will have to wait a bit longer.

After the nursery we headed up to Danny's Farm located just around the corner from our house. I'd wanted to check the place out for months and determined today the day. It's not quite a farm in the traditional sense...it is definitely a Los Angeles attempt at a nice petting zoo. It was fun and Ale loved being able to touch all the animals. The baby piglets were only a week old and very cute. Ale spent the most time with the rabbits and guinea pigs. The staff were very nice and attentive. The $5 entrance fee is a bit much in my opinion for what is actually there but it is for a good cause. (Most of the workers have special needs and the farm does a lot of work with autistic children). The $100 annual family pass fee is tempting only because it's just down the street from me and a nice place to walk to. Maybe we will end up buying one, who knows. I want my kids to be familiar with animals and where there food originates. This isn't an easy accomplishment living where we do. I'll take what I can get even if it is a small high end petting zoo.

I'll spare the details of catching up except to say I feel like writing again so I'll begin in the present.

What better way to ring in our nation's independence then by officially going into debt? Oh yes, I've never felt more American than I did last night as Fuser and I perused the appliance section at Sears.

We are in need of a fridge. When we first got married the already antiquated fridge came with our apartment. The apartment was bought by another person part way into our lease so when we moved we took the fridge, needing one in the house we were moving to. The thing leaks and smells and is likely on Southern California Edison's most wanted list.

I am a staunch endorser of craigslist as a way to minimize waste etc....in fact, we've never bought a new appliance. Our stove, washer, and dryer have all come from craigslist.

I am also highly against buying something we cannot afford--my two exceptions: houses and cars (sometimes). But we needed a fridge and we haven't been in the strongest financial situation since I've returned to school and Fuser has begun paying child support so we couldn't go the craigslist route.

Enter the Sears FOURTH OF JULY SALE!!!! 12 months of free financing on any major appliance plus 20% off. So we did it. I'm not proud, but I feel strangely more American for doing so. Guess that shows the state of our country. We made a modest choice. ( Actually, I think it was the cheapest energy start model they had). Out the door for $565 including delivery. Once we get all the rebates we'll save another 140$...not a bad deal.

God bless America and the credit card companies.

I need to log close to 1000 hours working in my school clinic in order to graduate. Because my current rate of 4 hours a week will take me into the next decade I've been trying to come up with ways to speed the process of up a bit. Fuser's sister had two weeks off and is babysitting for Max while I put in some time here at school. I truly enjoy being here at school, immersed in my education and learning so much more now that I can have the hands on approach. It has also been easy in the sense I know that there is an end to this routine--next week. What I cannot imagine and what I am grateful for 100fold is that this is not my life out of necessity. That is to say, I don't need to work full time or even part time in order for our family to survive. To that end I am so thankful for Fuser's job and income. We do make sacrifices to live on less but the benefits are innumerable. I get home these days around 6:30 only to put Max to bed around 7:30. One hour of parenting?! What kind of life is that for a little one who only wants to be in the presence of their parents?

This morning, Fuser and I were getting ready for the day. Usually in the morning, I'm laid back and have "all the time in the world." I'm not on a tight schedule. These days I am. Max was really fussy and clingy and started crying as I was just trying to get dressed and out the door. This isn't his personality. So I pick him and and nurse him in the rocker and spend a little more time before heading out for the day. His tia who is watching him right now isn't exactly a stranger, she lives with us and Max loves her. But when it comes down to it, no one is a replacement for mom and dad. Not the babysitter, the day care, or the nanny.

I know there are single parents out there with no choice but to work. I commend you.

But in this moment, on this day, I am glad I have the privilege of being home to raise my kids.

One of the more subtle conflicts affecting couples who have known the thrill of conscious conception and ecstatic childbirth is the desire for the no-barriers sexual intensity that accompanies these events, versus the desire to delay or forgo having more children. This conflict is usually unspoken, but after some time has passed and the family has stabilized, this psycho-erotic desire for conception can rise up and wreak havoc with future plans, as well as compliance with birth control.

~elizabeth davis, midwife

Yep. That about sums it up for Fuser and I. A friend recently asked what our method of birth control was, I replied, "stocking up on 99 cent pregnancy tests and breathing a sigh of relief each month when I'm not pregnant." She looked at me as if I must be joking, then she realized who she was talking to and burst out laughing. She said, "are you guys trying???" and I replied, "no, but it would sure make everything easier if I was pregnant so I wouldn't neurotically wonder if I was every month.

Ahh, the twisted mind of the spontaneous non-planners.

When my dear friend Cupcake was in town a month ago I frantically sent her to Rite Aid to buy a pregnancy test for me early Saturday morning. When she returned she said, "you know, the condoms were right next to this pregnancy test for the same price, I thought about getting you a box.."

And yet, Fuser and I still can't seem to do anything responsible about this.

"The psycho erotic desire." I couldn't have described it more poetically if I tried.

I have known Yano since he was 2. As far back as he can remember, I've always been in his life. This is a great advantage over other step parent situations when they come into a child's life after they are a bit older.

I keep waiting for step parenting to become easier. It wasn't until I had Max that I realized how little I loved Yano. I've had a hard time this past year coming to grips with this notion and attempting to deal with it effectively.

It is quite easy to get wrapped up in the drama between my husband and his ex and most times Yano is the recipient of my frustration. The poor kid.

I received an email from my dad a few weeks ago which said "Be sure to love on Yano. It won't take much before he realizes he is second place to Max, and the step-mother syndrome ensues." I don't know what prompted my dad all of the sudden to respond to me in such a way, but it was needed. I wrote him and asked him to continue to pray because I didn't know how to make myself love Yano when it came so easily for me to love Max. His final response? "Remember, love is an action not a feeling."

I've heard that wonderful cliche before many times. It registered with me for the first time, really registered after I'd gotten ticked off at Fuser for something I can't even remember now. I started thinking horrible things and finally caught myself some time later thinking--true intimate, marital love is loving Fuser when I'd rather not. More importantly, it's following it through with actions of love when quite frankly I'd rather run away for a few hours, convince myself of my innocence and return only to sulk and be pissy until he initiates reconciliation and apologizes first . Some might argue this as being natural to the human condition, but that doesn't necessarily okay it. Rather, it just causes more division and cracks in the foundation of an alleged marriage. I've been very aware of this recently and now it correlates to my relationship with Yano, only I don't have the solid base of love I do with Fuser.

This whole time (six years!) I've been waiting for the same loving feelings to magically arise that I might then follow through with the loving actions of a mother. It's not going to happen that way.

There is such a unique dynamic to intentional step parenting that I don't even think Fuser would necessarily understand. I think Yano and I are both trying to determine who we are to each other and how to live within the confines of those roles.

I am making adjustments. The kid needs to be loved more than anything, especially where he is at in life right now. Step kids truly get emotionally and familially screwed if the adults involved aren't tuned in and sensitive to the inner workings of their relationships within the family structure.

BumGenius Review...1 year later

We purchased 18 Bum Genius Diapers when Max was one month old. We've used them alternately with G Diapers and disposables since. At first I LOVED these diapers and raved about them to everyone. Now, I'm having second thoughts. The diapers are made by Cotton Babies which I believe on a whole to be a good company. The elastic surrounding the legs of our diapers began to lose elasticity after only 4 months. Keep in mind that we were not using these diapers exclusively as we also practice EC with Max. I say the company is good because they replaced all of our diapers (Though the whole process took at least a month.) which technically they did not need to do. Thank you Cotton Babies.

Now that it's been a year, the diapers have been replaced once, and once again they are falling apart. I still like them, but wouldn't recommend them to someone intending on using them with more than one child. I think in the future we'll stick to the inexpensive pre-folds and diaper covers...or better yet, go diaper free completely.

On Herbs, Pharmaceuticals, and Chris Rock

Fuser and I YouTubed Chris Rock last night and watched some of his stand up. We don't have T.V. so the computer is a nice alternative for the occasional veg session.

Chris Rock does a stick on drugs and in his humerus way says that drugs are illegal because the government wants us to buy their drugs, not the street drugs. Try watching T.V., he says, without being bombarded with all kind of drugs as they list symptoms until they finally hit on one you have. "Do you go to sleep at night...and wake up in the morning?" etc... If the government wasn't in bed with companies such as Merck we'd have Weedbucks instead of Starbucks.

So the other day I was hiking in the mountains behind our house. This time of year there is something growing that smells remarkably like curry. I have seen a curry plant and it is not that, it is something else I haven't discovered yet. I was awed by all the natural remedies surrounding me. I'm in my third quarter of herbology at school and I'm constantly intrigued by the medicinal properties of plants I have growing in my own yard. Have problems with arthritis? The root of clematis is used for that. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Star Jasmine stems can be used to help remedy the pain. Internal bleeding? Artemesia.

I was overwhelmed on my hike at how we've neglected the natural remedies that the almighty creator put on this earth. This is not to say that herbs are innocent and non toxic, quite the contrary, they need to be respected and used properly. But why use something expensive and synthetic when there is a cheaper, natural alternative?

babies........

I live in tension. I want to finish school n-o-w, I want to have another baby. If I were not in school now I'd have another baby. This is where the coopertive community model of living would come in handy. I don't believe in day care. I wish I had full support (ie help) in making this a reality. Sometimes I wonder if there is a very real solution and I'm simply missing it--I don't know. I don't like the idea of planning babies ("in 3 years we'll try to have another one...") I prefer the idea of fate and a baby choosing now to be the moment to come into the world. Perhaps that is just a bit too pie in the sky thinking for some, but I like it.

MAX TURNS 1!

I've said it before and I'll say it again--Nothing makes the passage of time more obvious than watching a baby grow during its first year of life. Max turned one on earth day. Fuser and I are really trying to figure out how be celebratory in life, especially with our children and special occasions. We didn't think presents were necessary and instead opted to buy a tree in honor of Max's first. Fuser took Max to the nursery on Saturday, the day before his birthday, to pick out a tree. They decided on a red seedless grapevine as grapes seem to be Max's favorite food of choice right now.

We had thought that we might get up early Sunday morning and plant Max's tree and also bury his placenta which has been in our freezer for the past year, and quite frankly I was ready to get it out. Here's the conundrum: we don't own our home, our landlord just passed away, and we don't really feel "settled" here in this house. We didn't want to plant a tree or the placenta here knowing it wasn't really any place special to us. However, after imagining what we might look like, traipsing out into the woods, pick ax, frozen human organ, and baby in tow, we opted to plant it in our backyard, plant the vine in a pot, and sprinkle wild flowers where the placenta was buried. Not an ideal plan but fine in light of our circumstances.

Max was cranky most of his birthday. Fuser's dad and brothers came over, I made tostadas and a Tres Leches birthday cake which even impressed me.

We did end up buying one book for Max as I think that might also be a nice tradition to begin. The choice? Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.

Cheers.

I agree with the fact that many single moms get screwed by dead beat dads and never receive child support from fathers who have little or nothing to do with their developing sperm. I suppose that is why the Child Support Agency (AKA the MOST unorganized government organization in America) was established. For the dad's who are actually present and as involved (if not more) than the mother, they get screwed.

Fuser got screwed yesterday.

Damn the man.

Its enough to may one want to pack up and wash your hands of the whole issue.

This is one place the feminists can't bitch.

Allow me to step up on my birthing soap box once again. But first, welcome to the world E.C.! My new neice to arrived this afternoon and also inspired this post.

My dear sister tripped on the last two stairs last night falling on her stomach. She recovered in a minute and went about getting ready for bed. In the morning she felt a little nausea and thought that perhaps the fall had spurred the onset of labor. (officially, she was due next week). Feeling the baby move a little less than usual she called the doctor who brought her in for a routine stress test. In the course of an hour a cesarian birth was ordered and completed as a clot was found to have formed between the placenta and E.C.

I just spoke with my sister, midnight her time, who said they were in the process of moving E.C. to another hospital with a NICU unit. My sister seemed to think that everything was fine and this was just cautinary on the part of the hospital. The downside, she has not yet seen E.C.

It was this information that left me sitting weepy on the couch unable to fathom being separated so abruptly from the very being I carried for so many months.

It is in this moment I'd like to say to the hospitals:

GIVE THE DAMN BABY TO MAMA

There is a place for hospitals but they rarely derserve a place in the birthing realm. They have instilled a culture of fear into women. They have set themselves up to 'rescue' the baby from its dangerous mother carrier. ick. I get so disgusted.

The Cranberries are playing in the background. They have resurfaced as a current favorite for the time being. Max is asleep for the next few moments. He turns 7 months tomorrow and I've realized that nothing makes the passage of time more evident than watching an infant in their first year of life. I remember feeling him move for the very first time last year on Thanksgiving day. I was 17 weeks along. Now, he lies asleep, full of dirt from trying to eat grass earlier this morning. He has come into his personality.

My days are routine and usually predictable. Some friends can't comprehend how I can do this and not go crazy. I am slowly gaining boldness in my ideals as Max gets older. I think there is a reason our bodies work the way they do and produce milk. We are meant to feed our babies exclusively. If the milk supply wanes, then more time must be spent with the infant. We are meant to respond to our baby's cries. Babies are not trying to manipulate us. After spending nine months growing and developing in the womb why wouldn't they cry when they are momentarily separated from their mother? I think people try to take on too many roles these days. And I while I am still trying to see what this whole motherhood thing encompasses and who I am within that realm, I'm in no rush to come up with some clear cut idea. There are things I still want to do 'alone' and goals I'd like to accomplish. This time with my little one is so short however and I want to be fully present for every moment of it. So I'll continue to breastfeed Max when he wants as long as he wants, Fuser and I will continue to share our bed with him (though I some nights I long to spread out and move around just a bit more), and he'll continue taking presidence over much of life. I don't want to be looking back back in 5, 10, 20 years and longing to be in this moment regretting missed time. I want to enjoy it in the present and move on through the stages of life as they come.

I have a few friends who all had babies around the same time Max was born. The universe is swamped with "how to " books on parenting. We all have different ideas. And while I'll hold to the idea that parents must do what works best for their family, I'm beginning to wonder if people try too hard.

If Fuser and I had to lump ourselves into a category for parenting types we practice what Dr Sears has coined "attachment parenting." When Max was a few months old I said to Fuser one day, "If I had never read a book on parenting, I would be doing the exact same thing I'm doing now only I'd feel like it was wrong because it's not the norm for our culture, it's not what my peers (most of them) are doing, it's not what I'm used to seeing." The way we have chosen to parent, simply said, just feels natural.

Motherhood has been surprising...

I feared becoming a mother. I feared losing myself. More selfishly, I feared losing my life and free time. I feared I wouldn't really want to spend that much time with 'they baby' once it arrived.

When I was in labor I pushed for two hours. While that isn't long, I'm told, for first labors I think my psychological self got in the way and prolonged the process. All the great proponents of natural birth--Ina May Gaskin, Sheila Kitzinger, Pam England--to name a few talk about women entering "labor land" a state where a woman although fully conscious enters a place very distant from that which is going on in her midst. Perhaps a higher sense of awareness? I was there and I still can't really describe it. I knew there were people milling around my bedroom. I knew fuser and my dear friend were on either side of me holding my hands, I knew my legs were wide open praying the next contraction would be the last, my eyes were clenched tightly shut....and yet I was faraway, talking myself through the process, yet not fully willing to surrender to it. I was fully aware that the second the baby entered the room, life as I knew it would change, my marriage would change, my friendships would change, I would change. I was thinking to myself, "I'm not sure I want to do this. But there are no take backs...so I have to push. But I don't want to, but I have to...." and thus my labor dragged on...

Then Max came. I felt his head with my fingers as it crowned. I pushed him out. All 8lbs 4oz of him. I didn't cry. I was relieved. I had a slippery baby on my stomach. My hands felt grace personified as I stroked his body all over. I couldn't stop kissing his head. He cried for maybe ten minutes. I felt his tiny naked body on mine. I didn't even know he was a boy until Fuser asked and our midwife turned him over so he could see for himself.

These past five months have been very sweet. All of my fears have been allayed and overshadowed by an indescribable (and very surprising) joy. I am living in the midst of utter fulfillment and contentment which I continue to find shocking.

8 months later with a 5 month old in tow...

wow, what a slacker. since february 11, or my last post life has undergone some major changes. maybe i'll write more now. maybe not.

i turned 25. i officially took a leave of absence from school in mid-march. I had a baby boy, 'max' (not his real name but what his older brother Yano is STILL fighting to call him). Max was born April 22, 11 days early according to calculations. The homebirth was sucessful. The only way to sum up such an event is to say that it was passionate and painful, romantic and primal...speechless. I still can't describe the event clearly. How does one articulate a moment in which new life, a soul, enters the world that wasn't previously 'there' in person? The mystery and amazement of it still boggles my mind.

Grieving.

Fuser and I recently returned from a trip to Hawaii. It's not a place I'd ever really had the desire to visit, but we went because we couldn't go somewhere else, it was inexpensive, and we wanted a chance to be far away from everything else (thougth the laptop found it's way into Fuser's backpack). Simply put, we needed the opportunity to be just the two of us in one celebratory last time. I'd jokingly been referring to the trip as our last hurrah before the baby arrives, but it was more a chance to remain in the union and partnership we've created over the past five years and just be together.

Our time was unique, uninterrupted, constant, and precious. I love who Fuser and I are together. I think to some extent I've had lurking feelings of lament over what we are in essence losing in the addition of this new life. Don't get me wrong, there is intense joy at the expectancy of this coming life and even now as I write and feel a constant prodding of the little one's foot in my lowest rib I can only smile at the faculty of created life. Things will change. Our relationship will be different. Life will be full and dominated by the needs of this helpless one.

I don't feel guilty for grieving the loss of being just the two of us. Even out of grief comes great joy. Without grief how would we recognize its antithesis?

This has little to do with pregnancy

A friend wrote this as part of a greater piece today:
I sincerely wish that I had spent more time in my twenties working on my own stuff and less time telling other people what to do with theirs. I wish that I had figured out sooner that my anti-church diatribes were more about my need for healing than they were about the church’s need for reformation. I wish that I had connected advocating for others with my own feelings of voicelessness and powerlessness.

So much of what my friend writes resonates with me and many others who devour her writings. This above paragraph particulary so tonight. Because I lack the history of the pain and abuse that my friend has experienced sometimes I feel unworthy to find such resonance.

These past 5 years or so of my life have seen shifts that I never anticipated. I have had my faith and ideals thrashed and deconstructed only to remain a discombobulated confusion. Slowly, I find that pieces find themselves joining together. I spent a couple years fighting causes and joining protests all the while ignoring the scattered pieces of my existence and soul. I stopped protesting when I realized that I was the ultimate problem. Me, a single human, represents a microcosm of injustice. How can I fight when I haven't examined this tiniest element of world. How can I criticize when I haven't taken a contructive look at myself? I have spent a lot of time feeling selfish and guilty if I so much as want to disconnect from the world momentarily that I might get to the bottom of who I am at the core. But I also know the time and self realization that will be involved and I get intimidated. I've always been full of excuses and lacking in discipline.

Reading my friend's post above reminded a lot of Henri Nouwen's writings. He lived a life of utter self examination and out of that came intense love and social action that subsequently followed.

If we allow ourselves to dissect all the issues in the world down to the smallest particle one will be left only to examine the injustice of their own heart. Until then, I must take on myself each day.

As I contemplate this baby that is coming I evaluate the type of mom I want to be, the values I want to instill, the example I want to lead. I want every action I make to be intentional, every choice I decide to come with a researched reason leading up to that definitive moment. I want this baby to learn self examination. At the end of the day I can either tune out my soul by escaping to the wretched stone (T.V.) or I can succumb to the sound of it scraping at my psyche begging to be heard, scrutinized, and nurtured.

Fuser fears that I have too high expectations for this child coming. And while I admit that I sometimes catch myself viewing this entrance into motherhood and this child-to-be's life through rose colored glasses, I'd rather have high expectations than no expectations. I'd rather strive for greatness than mediocrity. I'd rather be intentional and have every choice down to the type of diapers we choose to use be made consciously rather than just having life happen to us while we nonchalantly sit in front of the television and permit it to pass us by.

I want my family to be different from my own upbringing. I want my family to have tradition and conectedness. That's not to say my family didn't have those things, we did very much so. But I'd still do some things differently as most people would. Fuser and I are two different people and must shape this family accordingly.

Seven year old Yano has provided with me with great growth this past year. This, I'm sure, has not been an easy process for him (nor for any firstborn child I'm sure). Only in second grade, Yano is not really into school. His life situation is probably the greatest contributing factor to his young apathetic attitude. He lives half his life with us and half his life with his mother. Both families love him. Both families have diametric approaches to child rearing. I used to get very frustrated with his lack of interest in school. While I still hold school and academics as being important there are other traits I'd rather see Yano master than simply being a good student.

This realization has caused me to think more intently about what I want this new baby to gain in life and what I want it to learn about above all. Knowing what I want this baby to learn causes me to realize that I must first embody the traits I want the baby come into. As this baby grows inside (nearly 22 weeks...) I continue to grow as well.

While having a profound thought about diapers today I suddenly became amazed that motherhood is not something you need to apply for. So I'm kidding about having profound diaper thoughts, but that was on my mind when the latter came to mind.

It is perhaps the largest responsibility one can take on, (next to the guy who has the job of deciding whether or not to press the red button to release the nukes). We make people take a drive test before letting them on the road alone. We test fast food employees' pee for evidence of drug usage. When adopting a pet from the animal shelter you have to write essays and convince the organization that you will take care of the animal you choose.

But motherhood is a choice (sometimes a surprise) and no one can take it away from you.

This post is lame.

DR. JONATHAN TAM OB/Gyn is a fraud, or at least a gynecological punk

Remember when I blogged about my one and only appointment with an OB/Gyn? I said everyone was friendly, the Dr. was fine, but not that personable, and it was a fine experience for my one and only appointment with the office.

That was until I received by bill from the lab. When I actually sat down to look at the bill and write a check I was amazed to find that Dr. Tam had done a Pap smear, and STD testing because to my knowledge, those tests had never been done. Unless I'm completely weird and wired on pregnancy hormones, I think I (and most other females) would remember a speculum being stuck into my vagina to permit a probe to retrieve cervical cells. That's not exactly a procedure one sleeps through. It's not like getting a facial. Yet the lab claims Dr. Tam sent my cervical cells out to them.

I've spent two weeks trying to get some answers from the Dr. on this. It usually takes 4 days just to get a human being who is usually a know nothing office help. (I say this because when explaining my concerns to the first woman who was completely unhelpful I asked her if it was standard procedure to use a speculum to do these tests. She said she didn't know. You'd think if you are working in a women's health clinic, are a woman yourself, that you'd be familiar with the procedures.) I finally made it to the office mananger and have her direct number to harass as often as I want now. Patricia kindly said she would speak with Dr. Tam about my concerns. When I spoke with Patricia again she said Dr. Tam's response was, "I"m just that good. Woman don't know what's going on." Hmmmm.. I wonder if he says that to his wife....So now I'm not only pissed off, I'm offended at this response and awaiting to talk to the Dr. directly.

So, if you live in the Pasadena area, and are in need of an OB/Gyn, avoid DR. Jonathan Tam.

19 weeks 2 days pregnant

BIRTHING CHOICES and Judgement

I am a judgemental person. I have tried to be more aware of this personality trait as I progress farther into this pregnancy. I don't take offense at other people's comments about our choice to birth at home. Those don't bother me. It's the four other people I know who are currently pregnant that I don't want to settle for a uninvolved birth. I want this birth to be theirs. I want them to own it. It's hard to hear some proclaim that they "want an epidural the moment a contraction begins" until birth occurs. I have been wrestling with my inner judge to keep from saying--but that seems so cowardly. Your body was made for this.

Judging is never going to get anyone anywhere. That's why everbody hates Christians these days. We can be so damn judgemental. So can everyone else. And I've just realized how judgemental I am about the birth process.

But the past month has softened me. The birth I desire is not going to be the right birth for another. To the person who says--I could never birth at home, too much can go wrong...Then the hospital is the place for them because they would not be able to birth at home with that mentality. Their body could very likely stall labor until they were in the comfort of the hospital with all the high tech interventional amenities.

To the person that desires an epidural at the first twinge of a uterine contraction, I say I hope it works out for you and you don't suffer from the potential side affects.

To the person that want to birth at home, I say I hope you find the inner strength to complete the task at hand and come out with a sense of pride and accomplishment.

I'm at a place where I want to support the decisions of these friends even when it's not what I would choose for myself. In the same way I would hope that they would return the support.

I wish women had more courage demonstrated to them when it comes to the birth process. I wish doctors would up their belief in a woman's ability to birth a healthy baby. We need a cultural shift away from birth being viewed as a sickness and instead have it be viewed as supernatual yet normal bodily function.

16 weeks, 2 days pregnant; one pound heavier

I'm sitting in front of my klassy duraflame fire. Half of the house is asleep. It is peaceful in this moment. I'm taking a break from my current pregnancy read of the moment, Giving Birth; a Journey into the World of Mothers and Midwives, by Catherine Taylor.

I don't know if pregnancy or growing older has made me crave more intentional family time in recent months. It is too easy to get caught in the run of the mill business that overtakes so many and neglect that which is most important. I have had the simple desire--perhaps need, to establish more of a family bond lately. While the three of us, Fuser, Yano and myself are often all home together in the same space, we are usually preoccupied with our own doings. I am suddenly understanding all the long sunday drives my parents used to drag us on when I was growing up. We didn't have much money, so a 2 hour trip across the border to Wisonsin to purchase frozen custard, was my mom and dad's method of having us all together for a few hours a week. I can't help but feel lame at times when I find myself repeating certain events, outings and actions, but I revel in the time and experience that comes out of it.

Trying to be a step-mother to Yano and figure out my place continues to be one of my most difficult tasks in life. I so desperately want to win him over yet I wake up most mornings already donning my evil step-mother wart. Yano is only 7 and I've been in his life as long as he can remember. This offers some advantage. I can't imagine walking into an older kid's life and living in his or her space and expect us to create some idyllic Brady Bunch dynamic. But then, the Brady kids weren't involved with there respective biological parents who'd left them. Yano has a mother. I can't fill that roll. I have a hard time when he reminds me that I'm not his mother. So, what am I?

One of my greatest fears about this baby to be is that I will treat him or her differently. I hate that. I so desperatly want to believe that there will be no difference between this little one and Yano, but I think that's wrong thinking--only setting myself up for disaster. When Fuser and I married I wrote Yano into my vows. I promised that he would be my own that there would be no difference between him and those that followed. I can't see that playing out into reality now that the time has come. I'm left feeling immense guilt. I feel guilty that I can't wait to meet this little being growing in my womb, to call it mine, to have it call me mom. To bond and be exclusive with my very own son or daughter. How will that play out to Yano though?